Thursday, November 29, 2018

Artemis Fowl Teaser Trailer (Alt Script)

Shot of an old desk littered with papers, books (Including Chi Lun’s Almanac of the People), an image of Artemis Senior, and a photograph of a mottled green hand reaching from the shadows. Music (Montserrat Caballé performing Bellini’s “Casta Diva” from Norma, as an allusion to Artemis Fowl: The Lost Colony) plays.

Shot of Angeline wearing her wedding gown, by herself, in a darkened room with heavy velvet drapes to block out sunlight, lamps on, next to a lipstick and pillowcase mannequin of Artemis Senior. Shot is mostly blue; dark colors used.

Music fades when Juliet speaks. High angle shot of Holly by herself, wading through a crowd at Police Plaza. Image is primarily orange in tone, but Holly wears a dull green jumpsuit and a reflective helmet.

Juliet (Voiceover): Leprechauns. You know they’re not real, right?

Callas music picks up again.

Camera slowly focuses on an early-2000s computer with the words “Translation Complete” gently pulsing on screen. The background is an image of fairy hieroglyphs.

Cut to black. Dramatic musical cue.

Cut to Artemis and slowly pan out to reveal image of a tree at a riverbend, specs for abduction.

Artemis: Let us proceed under the assumption that the fairy folk do exist, and that I am not a gibbering moron.
Open with studio logos. Cue music.
Camera flies toward establishing aerial shot of Fowl Manor. Cut to the gate with “Fowl Manor” visible.

Artemis and Butler are in the computer control room. It is clearly an old study. The left side of the frame includes an old oak floor-to-ceiling bookcase, expensive carpet, and bare lighting. The bookcases are crammed full of early 2000s Apple Mac computers. In the background, a DAT projector throws updating images of CNN world news on a bare wall.

Camera centered on Artemis, in a silk shirt, and Butler, wearing a suit and Omega Speedmaster. Artemis and Butler are both well-groomed. Butler stands slightly behind Artemis.

Artemis: Shut them all down, except the Book. I need quiet for this.

Butler: [visibly surprised] All of them?
Artemis glances wistfully at the back wall, then to the photograph of his father.

Artemis: [emotionally, because he is giving up the search for his father] Yes. All of them.

Butler pats Artemis on the shoulder before turning offscreen.

Musical cue, intense spy music. Int. Corridor. White-lit.
Foaly and Commander Root walk with purpose through the corridor. Handheld camera accentuates intensity of the scene.

Foaly: [urgently, holding a tablet] We lost contact with Captain Short.

Camera whips around. Foaly and Commander Root have arrived in a brightly lit, high-tech computer room. There are several monitors with satellite images, a tracking system, and other information. An Interpol database is running.
Forced perspective used.

Commander Root: [buries face in hands] Why am I not surprised?

Foaly: [Focused on tablet] Here we are. Look. The important bit. [Looks up at the projector on the wall] We lost visual. We’ve got sound, so I’ll bring that up.

Foaly presses something on his tablet. Video from a camera that has fallen on the ground begins playing onscreen.

Butler: [voice recording, muffled] Nice pea shooter.

Commander Root: She drew her weapon.

Artemis: [voice recording, muffled. Cold tone] I don't suppose you would consider peaceful surrender? [pause] No, I suppose not.

Ext. Shot to establish isolated field, next to a riverbend and oak tree. Nighttime. Full moon is visible.

Holly: [voice recording, muffled]: Stay back, human.

Holly is silhouetted by the moonlight, beneath the oak tree. Her wings and gun are visible. Spy music picks up again.

Holly: You don’t know what you’re dealing with.


Cue title card + Artemis Fowl’s theme:
Artemis Fowl


Cut back to Foaly and Commander Root in the LEP computer room.
Foaly pauses the video. Camera is still to achieve forced perspective. No music.

Commander Root: [takes a moment to compose himself, looks down. Voice is hoarse] Captain Holly Short is missing in action. [Looks up toward Foaly angrily, because someone has kidnapped Holly.] Go full alert.

Montage timed to the music, As the Crow Flies:
1. Butler, in medieval armor, fighting the troll in Fowl Manor.
2. Holly fighting the troll in the Italian restaurant.
3. Mulch swinging open the secret vault behind the painting.
4. Holly pulling back to punch Artemis in the face.
5. Japanese whaler floating by docks suddenly explodes. A fairy (Commander Root), obscured by silhouette, flies from the explosion. He is on fire. He flies in a reverse loop and splashes down in the water. Camera pulls away.
6. Artemis leaning back in his chair. Computer room, lit only by the glow of the computers, fingers steepled. He is smiling a creepy smile.

Music changes. Cue post-title card:

This Christmas

Saturday, September 29, 2018

My Diss Track

You start every diss with “no offense"
But I’m no defense, all offense
They say, “Pick a side," but you can’t decide
We should call you Miss Eliza Pence
Your whole life’s a fence

Thursday, August 30, 2018

SAT Then and Now

When your parents took the SAT: 
1.) Apple : Fruit :: Horse : _______

A)  Animal
B)  Table
C)  Coffee
D)  Cheesecake

The SAT now: 
Instructions: Give the College Board all your parents' money. Open your answer packet, write in your answer in those tiny boxes in the separate examination packet, then bubble in the numbers you wrote. No calculators are allowed for this section. We don't care about seeing your work. You have thirty seconds.

1.) Regulation holes are the depth and width of a six-foot shovel. Alice can dig five regulation holes in sixteen minutes. Bob can dig nine holes in twenty minutes, but after an hour he gets tired and can only dig seven holes in twenty minutes. Eve can fill in nine holes in eight minutes. Alice and Bob arrive at 12 noon and begin working. If Eve arrives at 1:42 PM, what volume of land (in square meters) has been dug at 2:17 PM? Assume the holes are perfectly cylindrical.

Friday, August 3, 2018

How to Write Fantasy

After reading several fantasy novels, I believe that I am an expert in how to write novels. Below are some helpful pointers to getting started in writing your very own fantasy novel.

1. Put a chart or map at the beginning of the book. Nerds love that stuff. Make the font too small or too curly to read.
2. Make a different, more complicated map of many different places and expect your reader to memorize all of the places and where they are in relation to one another. Make sure the names of these places are counterintuitive and difficult to remember. This map, the one you use to write, is different from the map that you put in the book.
3. Make up at least one thousand years' worth of history in wars, famines, kings, etc. that your reader needs to know. If your reader does not understand, then your novel will be a confusing mess. 
4. Do not use BCE or AD or any timescale your readers will recognize. Make up your own. 
5. Create many different races of people (like dwarfs, orcs, Dothraki, etc.) and expect your reader to know them already. 
6. Make up a bunch of names for your characters that your reader has never heard before, such as Krytesmia and Olgensftorz. You can do this through putting a bunch of sounds together or taking a normal name and changing one letter. Make sure your reader has no clue how to pronounce any name. 
7. Make up a bunch of words that don't exist and stick them all over the place so that you can put an appendix in the back, like a tiny dictionary. 
8. Either utilize pretentious, antediluvian lexicon or use everyday words in unusual ways. 
9. Include several characters with the same name. For example, you could include nineteen characters whose names are all Branessma, but also expect that your reader will keep track of all of them. 
10. Include characters whose names are similar but different, such as Fíli and Kíli. Don't worry, that won't be confusing at all. 
11. Make a bunch of different families/clans/groups/tribes and expect your reader to keep track of them all, as well as all the relationships between them all. 
12. Include magic, but make the rules of that magic complicated and confusing.
13. Include several other forms of magic, each of which is also complicated and confusing. Make the relationship between each form of magic equally enigmatic. 
14. Ensure that the main cast of characters is composed of about twenty people. Expect your reader to remember and care about them all. 
15. Include a glib or catchy phrase that nerds can say to each other at Comic-Con or FantasyCon or whatever. 
16. Include at least one dragon. 
17. Obviously there must be kings, castles, and medieval things, or at least allusions to medieval things.
18. Include a prophecy or fortune that gives away the ending. 
19. Include an old wizard or healer who gives wise advice.
20. During a feast scene, include at least one list of food. Several lists preferred. I don't really know why every fantasy novel includes lists of food, but it's best not to stray too far from the formula.

Above all, remember this: In fantasy, more is best. More characters, more clans, more history, more love triangles, more everything! 

Wednesday, January 10, 2018