Saturday, September 29, 2018

My Diss Track

You start every diss with “no offense"
But I’m no defense, all offense
They say, “Pick a side," but you can’t decide
We should call you Miss Eliza Pence
Your whole life’s a fence

Thursday, August 30, 2018

SAT Then and Now

When your parents took the SAT: 
1.) Apple : Fruit :: Horse : _______

A)  Animal
B)  Table
C)  Coffee
D)  Cheesecake

The SAT now: 
Instructions: Give the College Board all your parents' money. Open your answer packet, write in your answer in those tiny boxes in the separate examination packet, then bubble in the numbers you wrote. No calculators are allowed for this section. We don't care about seeing your work. You have thirty seconds.

1.) Regulation holes are the depth and width of a six-foot shovel. Alice can dig five regulation holes in sixteen minutes. Bob can dig nine holes in twenty minutes, but after an hour he gets tired and can only dig seven holes in twenty minutes. Eve can fill in nine holes in eight minutes. Alice and Bob arrive at 12 noon and begin working. If Eve arrives at 1:42 PM, what volume of land (in square meters) has been dug at 2:17 PM? Assume the holes are perfectly cylindrical.

Friday, August 3, 2018

How to Write Fantasy

After reading several fantasy novels, I believe that I am an expert in how to write novels. Below are some helpful pointers to getting started in writing your very own fantasy novel.

1. Put a chart or map at the beginning of the book. Nerds love that stuff. Make the font too small or too curly to read.
2. Make a different, more complicated map of many different places and expect your reader to memorize all of the places and where they are in relation to one another. Make sure the names of these places are counterintuitive and difficult to remember. This map, the one you use to write, is different from the map that you put in the book.
3. Make up at least one thousand years' worth of history in wars, famines, kings, etc. that your reader needs to know. If your reader does not understand, then your novel will be a confusing mess. 
4. Do not use BCE or AD or any timescale your readers will recognize. Make up your own. 
5. Create many different races of people (like dwarfs, orcs, Dothraki, etc.) and expect your reader to know them already. 
6. Make up a bunch of names for your characters that your reader has never heard before, such as Krytesmia and Olgensftorz. You can do this through putting a bunch of sounds together or taking a normal name and changing one letter. Make sure your reader has no clue how to pronounce any name. 
7. Make up a bunch of words that don't exist and stick them all over the place so that you can put an appendix in the back, like a tiny dictionary. 
8. Either utilize pretentious, antediluvian lexicon or use everyday words in unusual ways. 
9. Include several characters with the same name. For example, you could include nineteen characters whose names are all Branessma, but also expect that your reader will keep track of all of them. 
10. Include characters whose names are similar but different, such as Fíli and Kíli. Don't worry, that won't be confusing at all. 
11. Make a bunch of different families/clans/groups/tribes and expect your reader to keep track of them all, as well as all the relationships between them all. 
12. Include magic, but make the rules of that magic complicated and confusing.
13. Include several other forms of magic, each of which is also complicated and confusing. Make the relationship between each form of magic equally enigmatic. 
14. Ensure that the main cast of characters is composed of about twenty people. Expect your reader to remember and care about them all. 
15. Include a glib or catchy phrase that nerds can say to each other at Comic-Con or FantasyCon or whatever. 
16. Include at least one dragon. 
17. Obviously there must be kings, castles, and medieval things, or at least allusions to medieval things.
18. Include a prophecy or fortune that gives away the ending. 
19. Include an old wizard or healer who gives wise advice.
20. During a feast scene, include at least one list of food. Several lists preferred. I don't really know why every fantasy novel includes lists of food, but it's best not to stray too far from the formula.

Above all, remember this: In fantasy, more is best. More characters, more clans, more history, more love triangles, more everything! 

Wednesday, January 10, 2018

Saturday, August 19, 2017

Based on a True Story

Guitar Guy would stand outside in the college campus courtyard, strumming the same chord for eight minutes while singing painfully off-key. Supposedly, he was practicing to woo the lady of his dreams.

Unbeknownst to him, Athena Rosalind Daly had already overheard him. In fact, the entire building could hear him. But Athena Rosalind had it the worst, as she was cursed with perfect pitch. She had been less than impressed.

He strummed incessant quarter notes on an A major chord that was about forty cents flat. Without changing the tuning or tempo, he made up the lyrics as he went. His voice occasionally cracked.

The buildings seemed to recoil.

Wednesday, August 16, 2017

Aim for the Moon

If you aim for the moon and miss, you'll probably be fired from your job at NASA. That will be the least of your worries, however. You won't be significantly closer to distant stars. Your cold, dead body will never escape the gravitational influence of the sun. Gravity holds you hostage, just as it has bound every organism that has ever lived before you. Leaving the Solar System requires highly precise calculations, exact technical maneuvers, and rocket fuel. No one will hear you as you scream in agony, slowly dying, knowing that there is no hope. Your last words, possibly expletives, will be lost to history. Your cadaver will be damned to orbit the sun for a billion years, or be crushed, or incinerate in the sun, or dissolve into dust. No one will care which. 

Your friends at NASA will shake their heads, wondering how an astronaut could ruin a simple moon landing so thoroughly. Your family will be devastated. Your friends will be mortified. Your alma mater will quietly delete your name from their alumni list. Buzzfeed will write a listicle and put you at the top of "Top 25  Biggest Space Blunders." Your legacy will be ruined. Your name will become synonymous with failure. NASA will have to permanently halt all space missions. Your country will become the laughing stock of the world. 

There will be memes. 

Oh, there will be memes. They will not cut you any slack. 

Children will learn of the space failure in their schools. Teachers will use your failure as a means to convince their students to behave. You will foresee all this, then slowly die. 

So by all means, aim for the moon.

But for the love of the Milky Way, don't miss.

Milkman [Lyrics]

Parody of a parody of David Bowie's "Starman" from a fan-based parody of a fan-based parody created by LittleKuriboh of a show originally by Masashi Kishimoto.

There's a milkman passing by the store
He delivers dairy daily, as long as it's homogenized
There's a milkman waiting at your door
He wants to say howdy, but afraid he'll be chastised

And he's
Dropping off milk that has been pasteurized
And you
Don't notice him, he's past your eyes
And he
Sees you by the window, he's mesmerized
He wants to say hello, but afraid he'll be despised

He says
Let the bovine moo
Let the cattle chew
He wants to say "how d'ya do"

There's a milkman driving back home
Scenic route shows some sea foam, he feels so alone
There's a milkman sitting on the floor
He's staring at the ceiling, wondering what you're feeling
He feels like he's failing but he doesn't know why

What the children say
Watch the children play
They all can say "how's ya day"

There's a milkman delivering daily dairy
He knows it's pasteurized
He knows it's homogenized