Wednesday, June 19, 2019

Facebook Will Automatically Unfriend You From Non-Friends

As Facebook continues trying to figure out how it can assuage privacy concerns while also collecting as much data as possible of everyone on Earth, the social media giant has announced that it will automatically unfriend you from people that you haven't interacted with in the past 12 months. This includes interactions across Facebook, Instagram, WhatsApp, and in person.

CEO Mark Zuckerberg did not blink once when provided a comment to The New York Times about why he ordered the update. "I saw a Reddit thread that said that 'My friends on Facebook aren't my friends; they're people I used to know.' I was so butthurt that I decided that the process of unfriending people should be impersonal and procedural, just as all human interaction should be. I am human."

Programmer Alex Jessie Parker (66) explained some of the challenges that led to Facebook's controversial decisions. "You might not talk to Person X at all online. But that doesn't mean you're not friends. Friends talk every day in real life, I'm told. So it was decided that real-life interactions needed to be monitored for Facebook to deliver this unfriending service."

Just how will Facebook monitor real life human interaction without leaking people's identities all over the Internet? The company announced a partnership with an organization that is actually trusted with people's private information: the NSA. The NSA can keep track of people's friendships by exploiting taxpayer dollars to launch spy satellites, tapping directly into taxpayers' own brain waves, and keeping tabs on the closeness of their human connections (if they have any human connections). The NSA will also generate revenue by running pro-government surveillance ads for free on Facebook's platform. 

"Yeah, we totally love the NSA here at Facebook. Our partnership has given us the unprecedented ability to watch our users, even when they occasionally get away from their goddamn computers and leave their goddamn houses and see some goddamn real people for once," swooned Facebook engineer Shakeer Malik (30), who is typically critical of the NSA. "I mean, it's great. The update is great and the NSA is great. I mean, if you haven't interacted with a person for a year, are you even friends with them?"

Privacy activists could not be reached for comment, as they had all been arrested for unrelated charges.

Sunday, May 26, 2019

I've been a benevolent elephant

I'm Ben, a benevolent, eloquent elephant

7 malevolent elephants
Benefit from Ben's prevalent eloquence
11 benevolent elephants
Live in ignorance of Ben's prevalent eloquence

Is Ben's prevalent eloquence
Evidence Ben benefits from elegance?
Is Ben's prejudiced petulance
Emphasis on an element of arrogance?
And is the genesis of elephants' excellent eloquence
Merely in elephants' parents' residence?

Sunday, May 12, 2019

Cal Poly More Committed to Chick-Fil-A Than Students

Cal Poly insists that it’s committed to LGBT rights, but critics remain skeptical.

The Chick-fil-A on the campus of Cal Poly has been at the center of LGBT rights debates since its grand unveiling in 2004. While some students believe that Chick-fil-A’s practices of frying gay and lesbian students alive and selling their meat is unethical, others disagree.

In a statement released on Tuesday, President Armstrong wrote, “While Cal Poly is committed to diversity, we’re only committed to the charade during Poly Cultural Weekend. Minorities should just stick it out for the rest of the year [...] I just can’t imagine a world without Chick-fil-A. #blessed"

Business student, Anand Masane (22), who is on the forefront for closing Cal Poly’s Chick-fil-A, criticized Armstrong’s “unprofessional” language. “He just talked the whole time about how much he loves money. I mean, he even used emoticons. Excessively. He's so out of touch, you'd think he's from Western Kentucky.”

Masane also cited the phrases “ew homos,” “follow me on Insta,” and “#OneTrueGod” in Armstrong's unconventional statement to prove that the president is no longer capable of running an educational institution.

Chick-fil-A’s looming fryers in the University Union plaza has made openly gay students anxious. Ethnic studies major Alan Mohave (20) says, “It’s bad enough that I’m constantly studying for midterms. Every time I walk to class, I have to walk beneath the shadow of those giant fryers. Not to mention that I also worry about being captured at night, fried alive, and sold for food. I’m, like, not about this life. Ew.”

Students are not alone in their apprehension. Last April, Sacramento native Andrea Joanne Westbay (47) lost her son, Kayson (19), in one of Chick-fil-A's purges. In tears, she told NBC reporters that she was devastated by the loss of her only child, but was heartened to know that his remains had helped nourish his classmates and that the oil had turned from piss yellow to rainbow upon Kayson's death. Chick-fil-A sent her a complementary box with nuggets and a $15 gift card.

Last Friday, administration voted 10:1 in a Twitter poll to have Chick-fil-A removed, at a meeting where everyone just stared at their phones the whole time. However, President Armstrong vetoed this decision. In an email to administrators, he wrote, “I don’t freaking care what the heck y’all crazies think. Sent from Outlook for iPad.”

Most students have more moderate views on the fast food chain. Mechanical engineering student Leslie Ostin (26) says, "I just think the company could be more equitable. I think they should start frying people regardless of sexual orientation. They can use random number generators to see who's next. That way, Chick-fil-A could show that it's dedicated to equity."

One reason students want to keep Chick-fil-A? It's tasty.

Business major Chad J.J. Taylor (24) said, "Hella, bro, I like Chick-fil-A. I'm not homophobic, though. I just really like their food. It’s like the only lit food on campus 'cuz Campus Dining sucks. Chick-fil-A all the way, baby!”

Martin George (44), head of Campus Dining, confirmed Taylor's statement. “Our food is scientifically designed to be unpalatable.”

Chick-fil-A released a comment saying, “There are soy boys who disagree with our political views. If that’s you, then don’t eat at our restaurants. We don’t want folks like y'all around anyway. We have billions of dollars more than you. You thought you could stop us? You thought you could go up against the almighty God? You were wrong.”

Chick-fil-A’s popularity has made it an indispensable part of Cal Poly’s financial ecosystem. President Armstrong has made it clear that as long as Chick-fil-A turns a profit, it is to remain on Cal Poly's campus. It will be up to students’ financial decisions to see if it stays.

Thursday, January 24, 2019

Milkman [Lyrics]

A reworking of a parody of David Bowie's "Starman" from a fan-based parody of a fan-based parody created by LittleKuriboh of a show originally by Masashi Kishimoto.

There's a milkman passing by the store
He delivers dairy daily, as long as it's homogenized
There's a milkman waiting at your door
He wants to say howdy, but afraid he'll be chastised

And he's
Dropping off milk that has been pasteurized
And you
Don't notice him, he's past your eyes
And he
Sees you by the window, he's mesmerized
He wants to say hello, but afraid he'll be despised

He says
Let the bovine moo
Let the cattle chew
He wants to say "how d'ya do"

There's a milkman driving back home
Scenic route shows some sea foam, he feels so alone
There's a milkman sitting on the floor
He's staring at the ceiling, wondering what you're feeling
He feels like he's failing but he doesn't know why

What the children say
Watch the children play
They all can say "how's ya day"

There's a milkman delivering daily dairy
He knows it's pasteurized
He knows it's homogenized

Monday, January 14, 2019

The Incredibles

There are continuity errors in The Incredibles, many involving Elastigirl's bag.

When her jet explodes, there is no bag.  When she turns into a boat, she suddenly gets her bag back. When she and her family wash ashore, the bag is gone again. When they find the cave, they suddenly have the bag again.

Also, where did Violet get her headband from at the end of the movie?

10/10, perfect film.

Sunday, January 6, 2019

The Vampire Diaries: Review (Book 1)

Listening to the first third of the audiobook for The Vampire Diaries was like watching an American rom-com dubbed in Russian while being flattened by a steamroller while spinning on a carousel in the wrong direction, but the whole thing is on fire and falling from 30,000 feet up, and then you realize that your loving parents have been lying to you for your whole life and they hate you. Everyone hates you; everything you've ever done was a mistake. The experience is painful and very confusing. Nothing makes sense. Your bones break one by one. You suffocate. You are burning. Your brain can no longer process the feeling of pain, except the pain of regret.


Thursday, November 29, 2018

Artemis Fowl Teaser Trailer (Alt Script)

Shot of an old desk littered with papers, books (Including Chi Lun’s Almanac of the People), an image of Artemis Senior, and a photograph of a mottled green hand reaching from the shadows. Music (Montserrat Caballé performing Bellini’s “Casta Diva” from Norma, as an allusion to Artemis Fowl: The Lost Colony) plays.

Shot of Angeline wearing her wedding gown, by herself, in a darkened room with heavy velvet drapes to block out sunlight, lamps on, next to a lipstick and pillowcase mannequin of Artemis Senior. Shot is mostly blue; dark colors used.

Music fades when Juliet speaks. High angle shot of Holly by herself, wading through a crowd at Police Plaza. Image is primarily orange in tone, but Holly wears a dull green jumpsuit and a reflective helmet.

Juliet (Voiceover): Leprechauns. You know they’re not real, right?

Callas music picks up again.

Camera slowly focuses on an early-2000s computer with the words “Translation Complete” gently pulsing on screen. The background is an image of fairy hieroglyphs.

Cut to black. Dramatic musical cue.

Cut to Artemis and slowly pan out to reveal image of a tree at a riverbend, specs for abduction.

Artemis: Let us proceed under the assumption that the fairy folk do exist, and that I am not a gibbering moron.
Open with studio logos. Cue music.
Camera flies toward establishing aerial shot of Fowl Manor. Cut to the gate with “Fowl Manor” visible.

Artemis and Butler are in the computer control room. It is clearly an old study. The left side of the frame includes an old oak floor-to-ceiling bookcase, expensive carpet, and bare lighting. The bookcases are crammed full of early 2000s Apple Mac computers. In the background, a DAT projector throws updating images of CNN world news on a bare wall.

Camera centered on Artemis, in a silk shirt, and Butler, wearing a suit and Omega Speedmaster. Artemis and Butler are both well-groomed. Butler stands slightly behind Artemis.

Artemis: Shut them all down, except the Book. I need quiet for this.

Butler: [visibly surprised] All of them?
Artemis glances wistfully at the back wall, then to the photograph of his father.

Artemis: [emotionally, because he is giving up the search for his father] Yes. All of them.

Butler pats Artemis on the shoulder before turning offscreen.

Musical cue, intense spy music. Int. Corridor. White-lit.
Foaly and Commander Root walk with purpose through the corridor. Handheld camera accentuates intensity of the scene.

Foaly: [urgently, holding a tablet] We lost contact with Captain Short.

Camera whips around. Foaly and Commander Root have arrived in a brightly lit, high-tech computer room. There are several monitors with satellite images, a tracking system, and other information. An Interpol database is running.
Forced perspective used.

Commander Root: [buries face in hands] Why am I not surprised?

Foaly: [Focused on tablet] Here we are. Look. The important bit. [Looks up at the projector on the wall] We lost visual. We’ve got sound, so I’ll bring that up.

Foaly presses something on his tablet. Video from a camera that has fallen on the ground begins playing onscreen.

Butler: [voice recording, muffled] Nice pea shooter.

Commander Root: She drew her weapon.

Artemis: [voice recording, muffled. Cold tone] I don't suppose you would consider peaceful surrender? [pause] No, I suppose not.

Ext. Shot to establish isolated field, next to a riverbend and oak tree. Nighttime. Full moon is visible.

Holly: [voice recording, muffled]: Stay back, human.

Holly is silhouetted by the moonlight, beneath the oak tree. Her wings and gun are visible. Spy music picks up again.

Holly: You don’t know what you’re dealing with.


Cue title card + Artemis Fowl’s theme:
Artemis Fowl


Cut back to Foaly and Commander Root in the LEP computer room.
Foaly pauses the video. Camera is still to achieve forced perspective. No music.

Commander Root: [takes a moment to compose himself, looks down. Voice is hoarse] Captain Holly Short is missing in action. [Looks up toward Foaly angrily, because someone has kidnapped Holly.] Go full alert.

Montage timed to the music, As the Crow Flies:
1. Butler, in medieval armor, fighting the troll in Fowl Manor.
2. Holly fighting the troll in the Italian restaurant.
3. Mulch swinging open the secret vault behind the painting.
4. Holly pulling back to punch Artemis in the face.
5. Japanese whaler floating by docks suddenly explodes. A fairy (Commander Root), obscured by silhouette, flies from the explosion. He is on fire. He flies in a reverse loop and splashes down in the water. Camera pulls away.
6. Artemis leaning back in his chair. Computer room, lit only by the glow of the computers, fingers steepled. He is smiling a creepy smile.

Music changes. Cue post-title card:

This Christmas