Saturday, August 19, 2017

Based on a True Story

Guitar Guy would stand outside in the college campus courtyard, strumming the same chord for eight minutes while singing painfully off-key. Supposedly, he was practicing to woo the lady of his dreams.

Unbeknownst to him, Athena Rosalind Daly had already overheard him. In fact, the entire building could hear him. But Athena Rosalind had it the worst, as she was cursed with perfect pitch. She had been less than impressed.

He strummed incessant quarter notes on an A major chord that was about forty cents flat. Without changing the tuning or tempo, he made up the lyrics as he went. His voice occasionally cracked.

The buildings seemed to recoil.

Wednesday, August 16, 2017

Aim for the Moon

If you aim for the moon and miss, you'll probably be fired from your job at NASA. That will be the least of your worries, however. You won't be significantly closer to distant stars. Your cold, dead body will never escape the gravitational influence of the sun. Gravity holds you hostage, just as it has bound every organism that has ever lived before you. Leaving the Solar System requires highly precise calculations, exact technical maneuvers, and rocket fuel. No one will hear you as you scream in agony, slowly dying, knowing that there is no hope. Your last words, possibly expletives, will be lost to history. Your cadaver will be damned to orbit the sun for a billion years, or be crushed, or incinerate in the sun, or dissolve into dust. No one will care which. 

Your friends at NASA will shake their heads, wondering how an astronaut could ruin a simple moon landing so thoroughly. Your family will be devastated. Your friends will be mortified. Your alma mater will quietly delete your name from their alumni list. Buzzfeed will write a listicle and put you at the top of "Top 25  Biggest Space Blunders." Your legacy will be ruined. Your name will become synonymous with failure. NASA will have to permanently halt all space missions. Your country will become the laughing stock of the world. 

There will be memes. 

Oh, there will be memes. They will not cut you any slack. 

Children will learn of the space failure in their schools. Teachers will use your failure as a means to convince their students to behave. You will foresee all this, then slowly die. 

So by all means, aim for the moon.

But for the love of the Milky Way, don't miss.

Sunday, August 6, 2017

The Kinds of Poems We Analyzed in Class


Water bothers Father,
Walter brought Mother
Another toddler walker,
A phone caller calls her,
"A collar worth a dollar."
Brother bought a bother Some
thing's wrong.

We belong together
Like cookie butter and kale
Gerber daisies and cheddar
Leather in your cocktail
Birds without a feather
A sail in a whale

Wednesday, August 2, 2017

Conversation with an "Evil Genius"

Lucas's "Canada" quip and Marley's subsequent rhyme are from or inspired by How I met Your Mother, S9E11. Phrase, "My machinations lie undetected" from ProZD's sketch, "when you start a new game and you meet the character you know is going to betray you."

“Freddy, for six whole years today, my machinations lie undetected. Children with parents afraid of vaccinations will be infected [ambiguity intentional; both child and parent become sick]. By exploiting virality [pun] and fear on the web unassisted, I convinced a few folks there was a link where none existed [ref. belief that vaccines cause autism]. They spread those rumors far and wide, causing a measles resurrection. Now he’s away in the countryside, so I’ll infect a few folks with whom he has connection. To guarantee: for assuredly, Tim-Tim will die.”
 
“Sir, if you’re trying to kill Tim-Tim, why not just give him measles? You know, instead of giving measles to the people around him and hoping that he catches it, does not receive proper medical care, and dies? It seems like you’re leaving a lot of variables unaccounted for. If he’s going abroad, it won’t be so suspicious when he comes down with the disease. And why does it have to be measles? Why not give him anthrax?”
  
“It must be a virus to befit my computer syntax!” [pun]

“Okay, but it just seems like you could’ve killed Tim-Tim by now. Is infecting the whole continent before targeting Tim-Tim really necessary?”
 
Fred, you may be wary, but it is not arbitrary. The virus must be spread, homogeneous. Do not question me, Fred, I am a genius!”

“My name is Lucas.”

“Your name sounds like ‘mucus.’”

“Also, I know you’re a genius and you know it, too. Who are you trying to impress with your convoluted plan? And why are you rhyming with me? Orange.”
  
“I’m impressing my mother, whose maiden name was Gorringe. She was a botanist who studied a single-celled sporange. I rhyme with you because it is fun to. Any more questions and suggestions, or shall I continue?”

“I think I’m done working with you, Marley. Thanks for the employment, but I have a job elsewhere now. I can’t work like this anymore.”

“Your resignation has rocked me to my core. That castration was uncalled for! It honestly makes me feel so blue. To prevent my evil plans from landing in the wrong hands, I will have to kill you too.”

Lucas left out the door. “Let’s hope it doesn’t take as long as it will for Tim-Tim.”

Marley muttered, “The stupidity in Fred’s little head flows over the brim.”

Lucas popped his head back through the doorframe. “I’ve never met a bloke who could rhyme with Canada.”

“Except for Hannibal, he’s a tarantula from Africa. And Pamela, she taught algebra, drawing parabolas with stamina. She said in Florida there’s a radical cannibal. He reads Encyclopedia Britannica; turns out Canada has a high GDP per capita.”

Lucas was long gone before Marley could finish talking.

Why I Went to Tevin's Band Practice Instead of the Spa

Gotta get the job done
Gotta start a new nation
Gotta find my son

Wednesday, July 19, 2017

Hamilton

Hamilton: Don't make me name the Scottish play.

(Two seconds later)

Macbeth!

Monday, July 17, 2017

Hamilton Lyrics: Say No to This

[HAMILTON]:
Longing for Angelica, missing my wife
That's when AND PEGGY walked into my life
She said:

[MARIA]:
I know you are a man of honor
[AND PEGGY]:
Daddy said not to go downtown
[MARIA]:
I’m so sorry to bother you at home
[AND PEGGY]:
By sundown

[HAMILTON]:
That’s when I began to pray:
Lord, show me how to
Say no to this
I don’t know how to—

[AND PEGGY]:
NO!
>:(

[HAMILTON]:
☉_☉

[AND PEGGY]:
>:(

[HAMILTON]:
☉_☉

[AND PEGGY]:
>:[

[HAMILTON]:
k bye

Tuesday, May 2, 2017

Relationships

"You do what I tell you to do! That's the nature of this relationship. Like, you are an inanimate, soulless object whose purpose is to turn on my f*cking lights when I tell you! Right? Your purpose is not to tell me what to do. You don't tell me what to do! [...] You'd better not be giving me, like, this little assy remark, about, like, 'Oh, I'll tap you when I'm ready.' Like, I'll tap YOU when I'm ready! That's how this relationship works! It's infuriating." ~CGP Grey, speaking with Brady Haran, H.I. #72, 17:13

Wednesday, April 26, 2017

Lyrics: Spontaneous Rap Battle Against a Paranoid Homeless Man on the A-Train

You think we all think like cattle?
To free our minds, I challenge you to a rap battle
Don't say homogeneous
'Cause I'm a genius
You say homogeneous
'Cause I'm all over this
I'll be busting rhymes
Like Cool J busting crimes
You, for example, riding for free
While everybody else paid their fee
So oblivious, it makes me furious
You're a hobo with a bindle
Trying and failing to swindle
A student with a Kindle
Build a vocabulary and aspire
To be something higher than a liar
Keep your copy of Frindle
The kindling taught me to spit fire
But this is my stop
So I'll let the mic drop

Saturday, April 1, 2017

Prisencolinensinainciusol - English Lyrics

Adriano Celentano

*English lyrics autogenerated by Siri using Apple Translate (iTranslate)


ADRIANO: Breeze is cold and is in nine schools all

ALL LADIES: You’re the cool maid,
Say “whomp”
Breeze is cold and is in nine schools all
All right!

VERSE 1
ADRIANO:
We the same and a shoot my own horn
Billy sayin’ that a whore is Mary did a cover mints dad

Brrrrrrrrr a change in mind
We did go, yeah, baby just stay, yeah mints oh-whoa

We the same and a choose my own horn
Billy sayin’ that a whore is Mary did a government’s dad

Why’s it seem like you’s a copy A’s dean?
You never show them a jersey dog beaver’s a-jam.

You two comin’ out to ‘chusetts, no pain,
But I’d like to show a hubba hubba dis a gettin’ on top of a thang!

All we did was just stand
Lie to shoes of government
You was thirsty
Man I called the rain “a goyal.”

Oh, something!

VERSE 2
CHORUS: I ice my snail flick
A Leviosa public beanie role, aye.

You’re the cold milk
Say, “whomp.”
Breeze is cool and is in nine schools all
All right!

BRIDGE
FEMALE SOLOIST:  I ice my Slendslin
And it goes so good with basil, aye.

VERSE 3
CHORUS: Breeze is cool and is in nine schools all
All right

VERSE 4
ADRIANO: Well I should have sleep in ninety candy machine
Gelatinous ho dobba dobba, Kesha stand
Let Basil go

We been seeing and a-sailing and shush the government
There’s just too many cars and I’m the fourth one to drive this day

I iced my chance, lads
And it goes so good with basil, aye

You can call matches and say “whomp” because
It’s cool and in nine schools all
All right

You the Hershey Bill’s cheeky say “Maulen Zedong”
That baby’s get extra got beat me, oh

CHORUS:
I like my sim pen
And it goes so good with bees, so
Aye

You’re the cool maid, say “whomp”
Breeze is cool and is nine schools all
All right

You the Hershey Bill’s cheeky say “Maulen Zedong”
That baby’s get extra got beat me, oh

FEMALE SOLOIST: HARMONICA RIFF

Tuesday, March 28, 2017

How Analyzing Poetry in English Class Makes Me Feel

No one knows why I chose those photos. Rose, knows, "bros."
Bros named Bo or Beau wear bows on a ship's bow.
The ship called Bose.
They bow. Applause.
Case closed.

Bo, how does Beau suppose Bose opposes bows?
When the wind blows, Beau knows
It's best to bestow Bess Tolkien's bursting, busting, baste upon the blest, but
Not the bows. Not the clothes.
Case closed.

Though Tolkiens grow thorougly, they throw through those dozen roses who doze in rows.
Beau supposes, he superimposes, he slows token Tolkiens.
The hose explodes and exposes Horatio's noses. The dove dove.
Case closed.

So, bros named Bo or Beau in bows on Bose's bow all bow. Bose hates clothes.
Case closed.

Kubo and Coraline are the same (spoilers)

Plot synopsis for Kubo and the Two Strings and Coraline:

These movies are shot in exquisite stop motion and feature a human child, our main character. The child has a wiser animal counterpart, which is named after its species and understands magic better than the human child. There is also a completely unnecessary character who is inserted into the movie for the benefit of one scene and to the detriment of the rest. The child must combat a magic overlord who wants to take the child's eyes so the child can stay with the overlord forever. The overlord just wants a family. The child character cannot rely on parents, who are lost. In the end, the protagonist finds that things are not as they appear. Most of all, the parents are not truly dead.

Thursday, March 9, 2017

Sunday, March 5, 2017

Little Bo Peep's Sheep are Asleep

The INSPECTOR, a sheep and detective, is on the case about a number of reported comatose sheep belonging the Queen of Sheep, LITTLE BO PEEP. Unfortunately, BO caught wind of the investigation. Now trapped at BO’s isolated farm, INSPECTOR was forced to lie, telling BO that the police had already deemed her innocent. This could prove a dangerous situation if BO finds out her case is still open. As it is, INSPECTOR is stuck with BO until help arrives.

[BO and INSPECTOR enter]

BO:
I am glad you have stayed here so long
You knew of my innocence all along
But, sir, you haven't slept for a week!

INSPECTOR:
No, I slept an hour today
So far, that's my longest streak
Even that is too long, I say!

BO:
Not quite.

INSPECTOR:
You said, “Not quite.”
Did I hear right?
For my report, I quietly quote, “Not quite!”

BO:
You heard me right!
You need sleep! You need a vacation!
Your mind is addled by sleep deprivation
You declared me free, after a bit.
I thought that was the end of it
Now you are as imperious as you are delirious!
You heard me right!
Now sleep! Good night!

[Exit BO]

[INSPECTOR examines a large group of sheep beneath white bedsheets]

INSPECTOR:
Sleep is for the weak.
You see, sleep
Is for the meek sheep
With steep leaps
And creaking knees.
And creaking feet.
They keep creepy sheets
Where they sleep,
These weak sheep.
These sheets reek!
We don't need sleep.
I am neat,
I am petite,
I am chic,
And I've been seen
By the sheep queen,
So I need no sleep!

I don't need a beep
A beep beep beep
To rouse me from sleep.

Sheep think me a freak?
Well, they can keep
Their sweet sheep dream
When they sleep!
I am real; I need no dreams.
Ask Little Bo Peep
About her sweet sleeping sheep.
Ask how she sneaks
Among her own sheep.
Bo is greedy and needy...
So the sheep keep sleeping
Yo Peep! Keep peeping.
Now who’s the creepy freak?
She keeps the sheep asleep
So she can eat
Some sweet sheep...meat.

These sheep...are not asleep.
“Not quite.”

Sunday, February 19, 2017

The Schuyler Sisters but every time they say “Work" it's Fifth Harmony, Rihanna, Iggy Azalea, or Britney

Alternate titles

The Schuyler Sisters, but it's Angelica, Eliza, Fifth Harmony, Rihanna, Iggy, and Britney B**ch (and Peggy)

Schuyler Sisters - Work ft. Fifth Harmony, Rihanna, Iggy Azalea & Britney Spears

Tuesday, January 24, 2017

Saturday, January 21, 2017

Overthink Idiom

An nice idiom for overthinking something is "to psychoanalyze a horse."

Examples:
"Oh dear, Billy is psychoanalyzing a horse again."
"If you think too hard about that movie, you'll be psychoanalyzing a horse."

I think it's a nice idiom and that everyone should use it because idioms make everyday English incomprehensible, even to English speakers.

Wednesday, January 18, 2017

Status Update

Right now I am a little bit overwhelmed by the amount of work that I have to do, so I am going to procrastinate starting. This way, I will avoid the crushing monotony of my life for a few hours more.