Tuesday, June 28, 2016

Glib Thoughts on Retail

The best part of working in a shop is receiving the employee discount.
The worst part is walking around the store and realizing how much you want everything.

Sunday, June 26, 2016

College Admissions

col·lege ad·mis·sions
/ˈkälij ədˈmiSHənz/

  1. the process by which cruel, sadistic officers work round the clock to crush student dreams.

    I'm a valedictorian, Nobel laureate, and certified genius. I speak seventeen languages, performed at Carnegie Hall twenty-three times on twenty different instruments, rescued Burmese beavers from a burning building in Bangladesh, and I still got rejected from every university in the nation.

    I guess they assumed I was a Soviet spy.

    Тов. Ленин очищает землю от нечисти

    Sorry. That happens sometimes. It happened on my college admission essays, too.

    Долой ЦЕРКОВНЫЕ праздники
    Советская Россия! Советская Россия! Советская Россия!
    Я не шпион. Название гамбургера изначально происходит от названия второго по величине города Германии.

    Disregard Russian.

  2. the process by which students come to grips with their own mediocrity or come to understand how much smarter everyone else is.

    tHe olny raisin I didnt' gett itno Harvarad iss Im illiteriltate & I cannt evun speeeel ritely.ok also vrybody elsse is 2 smart 4-me. #tbh

  3. the process of entering or being allowed to enter an educational institution or establishment.

    I was accepted into Stanford, Berkeley, Harvard, Yale, Princeton, Columbia, MIT, and even Cambridge. No big deal. I'm thirteen years old. Whatever.

Sunday, June 5, 2016

How to Write Fantasy

After reading several fantasy novels, I believe that I am an expert in how to write novels. Below are some helpful pointers to getting started in writing your very own fantasy novel.

1. Put a chart or map at the beginning of the book. Nerds love that stuff. 
2. Make up at least one thousand years' worth of history in wars, famines, kings, etc. that your reader needs to know. If your reader does not understand, then your novel will be a confusing mess. 
3. Do not use BCE or AD or any timescale your readers will recognize. Make up your own. 
4. Create many different races of people (like dwarfs, orcs, Dothraki, etc.) and expect your reader to know them already. 
5. Make a different complicated map of many different places and expect your reader to memorize all of the places and where they are in relation to one another. Make sure the names of these places are unintuitive and difficult to remember.
6. Make up a bunch of names for your characters that your reader has never heard before, such as Krytesmia and Olgensftorz. You can do this through putting a bunch of sounds together or taking a normal name and changing one letter. Make sure your reader has no clue how to pronounce any name. 
7. Make up a bunch of words that don't exist and stick them all over the place so that you can put an appendix in the back, like a tiny dictionary. 
8. Either utilize pretentious, antediluvian lexicon or use everyday words in unusual ways. 
9. Include several characters with the same name. For example, you could include nineteen characters whose names are all Branessma, but also expect that your reader will keep track of all of them. 
10. Include characters whose names are similar but different, such as Fíli and Kíli. Don't worry, that won't be confusing at all. 
11. Make a bunch of different families/clans/groups/tribes and expect your reader to keep track of them all, as well as all the relationships between them all. 
12. Include magic, but make the rules of that magic complicated and confusing.
13. Include several other forms of magic, each of which is also complicated and confusing. Make the relationship between each form of magic equally enigmatic. 
14. Ensure that the main cast of characters is composed of about twenty people. Expect your reader to remember and care about them all. 
15. Include a glib or catchy phrase that nerds can say to each other at Comic-Con or FantasyCon or whatever. 
16. Include at least one dragon. 
17. Obviously there must be kings, castles, and medieval things, or at least allusions to medieval things.
18. Include a prophecy or fortune that gives away the ending. 
19. Include an old wizard or healer who gives wise advice.
19. During a feast scene, include at least one list of food. Several lists preferred. I don't really know why every fantasy novel includes lists of food, but it's best not to stray too far from the formula.

Above all, remember this: In fantasy, more is best. More characters, more clans, more history, more everything!